Ahh. I don’t know if my brain is cut out for this blogging thing. But I’ll push on. Try though I might, it’ll probably be another month before I opt to resurface.
I am stuck in a whirlpool of anxiety regarding this job. I am absolutely convinced that I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. And I have no idea how to change that. It’s been about 7 weeks, 7 weeks under my belt as “teacher” and my classes still feel as disorganized, chaotic and frustrated as they did during the first week. Are my students learning, or am I just repeating the same failed ideas that they didn’t get the first time around? The academics feel like a bit of a bust, and the social learning is even worse. My AP thinks I’ll be burning out in no time. I don’t see that necessarily happening on the horizon, but I’m also petrified of being fired/excessed/rejected because of this overwhelming ineptitude. Overwhelmed is definitely the word I’d use to describe it.
Interestingly, I’ve been informed that my lessons are essentially flying over my students’ heads. I’m giving them way more than they can handle. It’s already a challenge to simplify what I’ve got going on, but now I have to break it down even further. It’s such a counterintuitive process to what I experienced as a student throughout my life, that it’s been such a strange and mortifying experience trying to being effective in this role.
But… enough griping. I have the resources in front of me, and I am slowly figuring out how to use them. I’m visiting a professor at her house in a little while just so that we can work on lesson planning. I have meeting after meeting with mentors, other teachers, administrators, just so we can talk though what it is that I need to be doing. They say that this is the hardest stretch. The first few months of the year, before winter break, and then some kind of stride is hit after the holidays, and before you know it… the year is over. I just want to have something to show for it!
In other news, I’ve had Oregon on my mind a lot lately. It’s been weaseling its way into my long-term thinking process. I have this deep-seated feeling that I’ll be winding up there a lot sooner than I imagined. I’m craving familiarity in the face of all of these strange new experiences. I find myself thinking about Westwind all the time, and totally regretting my decision not to go back and work there last summer. I know that life and the decisions within it will naturally involve regret, but I’m constantly wishing that my regrets just didn’t involve that place. Let me screw up along any other path, but keep the sanctuary safe.
